Lauren and I sit in her Jeep in an alley across the street from the building where we take a writing workshop together. It’s dark, almost 9:30 at night, Lauren’s face illuminated by the glow of her car’s dashboard, street sounds filtering through our open windows. The
night air is warm and still–and electric with the nightlife of nearby VCU, the students energized from their summer hiatus, enlivened by reunions with sorority sisters and roommates and classmates.
“One thing I struggle with,” Lauren tells me, “is feeling like my emotions aren’t valid. Like, I have it so good compared to other people. What do I have to complain about–to feel sad or angry or upset about?”
I get what she’s saying. I mean, how do I dare say I’m overworked or overwhelmed or stressed out when, somewhere in the world, someone else spends 12 hours a day toiling in a sweatshop for pennies–and feels grateful, maybe, just to have a job? How could I dare complain about missing my sister, who lives 10 hours away, when somewhere in the world, someone else’s sister lives even farther way–or maybe isn’t even alive anymore at all? How dare I feel sad or stressed when my biggest problems are wishing I didn’t have to get up for work Monday morning; not getting enough sleep; and trying to figure out how to cram a full work day, a trip to the grocery store, a run, and a family dinner into one day? Especially when I compare those worries to the much more burdensome concerns of people around me? How ungrateful am I? If my problems were more extreme, wouldn’t I find myself saying, “I wish my biggest problem were finding time for the grocery store. If only my biggest concern were having to work Monday morning.” Wouldn’t I see my old troubles as trivial, silly? Yeah. Probably. In all honesty, yes.
If my problems were more extreme, wouldn’t I find myself saying, “I wish my biggest problem were finding time for the grocery store. If only my biggest concern were having to work Monday morning.” Wouldn’t I see my old troubles as trivial, silly? Yeah. Probably. In all honesty, yes. But that doesn’t necessarily make my stress or sorrow or dread any less valid.
But that doesn’t necessarily make my stress or sorrow or dread–or Lauren’s, or anyone’s–any less valid. (And, on a side note, how interesting that we beat ourselves up over the validity of only negative emotions. I’ve never heard anyone say, “How dare I be happy when someone else has it so much better?” but I’ve heard time and time again, “How dare I be sad when someone else has it so much worse?”) Your sorrow might result from X; mine, from Y. But we both experience sorrow, regardless of the cause. My anxiety might come from this; yours, from that. But we both experience anxiety. The experience of the emotion makes it valid, not the cause of the emotion. It’s the emotion that counts, not always its cause–not all the time.
Think about it like this: I’m currently working on an article about the ingredients and “superingredients” (think: super foods) you should look for in your dog’s food, and one thing I’ve learned in my research is that more important than the individual ingredients, are the nutrients found in those ingredients. So, while you might want salmon or chicken to be included on the ingredients list, what you’re really after–and what your dog’s system is really after–is the protein (or the omega-3 fatty acids or the omega-6 fatty acids–but you’ll have to read the article for more on that) the salmon or chicken (or dried egg product or oatmeal or lamb…) provides. Just as the nutrient is more important than the ingredient that provides it, so the emotion is more important than the experience that causes it.
When we read, we feel familiar emotions in unfamiliar circumstances. It is the emotion we recognize, not necessarily the situation, not the emotion’s cause. We understand the emotional experience, even though the circumstance prompting it is foreign.
Our conversation put me in mind of two things, the first, something I read recently: Reading makes us more empathetic people. If we know what grief feels like–even if the only cause of it in our own lives is the impending fade of summer vacation into another school year–we can understand what grief feels like when it’s caused by a situation we have never experienced–a divorce, the loss of a beloved friend. When we read, we feel familiar emotions in unfamiliar circumstances. It is the emotion we recognize, not necessarily the situation, not the emotion’s cause. Perhaps you’re reading Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck. You’ve likely (SPOILER ALERT!) never had to kill your best friend to spare him a worse fate–that has probably never been the cause of your sorrow, grief, or loneliness (I hope!). But you likely have lost a best friend, to one situation or another, and thus are capable of empathizing with the character’s sense of sorrow, grief, and loneliness. You understand the emotional experience, even though the circumstance prompting it is foreign.
The second is this: a fellow writer’s assertion that writers feel more deeply than, well, non-writers. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but if it is, than we creative writer types, well–our sorrow over the death of yet another glorious summer might feel akin to the sorrow someone else feels over something others might deem much more worthy of sorrow. And, as a writer, having known sorrow, you can now transfer that sense of sorrow, however trivial its cause, to your characters, who might be likely to experience it as a result of whatever circumstance they’re in.
In any case, reading, writing, and emotional experience are intimately and inexplicably intertwined. Whether your emotion is triggered by something even you yourself deem trivial, or something almost anyone would deem worthy of the resulting emotional reaction, pain is pain, love is love, anger is anger, joy is joy. Emotions are part of the human experience. We do not all share the same lives, the same experiences, the same situations. What we do share, though, are the human feelings these lives, experiences, and circumstances cause. We all know love. We all know vengeance. We all know fear. We all know gratitude. We all feel, no matter the source of the feelings.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and following close on its heels is Black Friday. If we haven’t already done so, it’s time to start thinking about the thoughtful, meaningful gifts we can give to our loved ones–or perhaps the thoughtful, meaningful gifts we hope to get from them. Whether you’re focused on finding the perfect gift for someone else, or on crafting your own wish list, here are some ideas.
The first literary magazine I ever read was the result of a gift subscription from my aunt and uncle, who signed me up for Cicada Magazine, a young adult literary magazine put out by Cricket Media. Subscription costs range from $4.95-$59.95, depending on the duration of the subscription. This gift was of paramount importance in my writing life. Not only did it introduce me to the concept of what a literary magazine was, but it also led me to begin submitting my writing for publication. Cicada was the first non-school-related publication to which I ever sent work, and it was the first not only to publish several of my poems over the course of a few years, but also to pay me for them. I doubt when my aunt and uncle subscribed to this magazine for me, they could have imagined what an important role it would end up playing in my passion. The vindication I felt upon receiving my first acceptance letter and contract from Cicada was lasting and immense. Gifting a reader/writer with this magazine may open the door not only to memorable and fascinating works of literature, but also to her own opportunity for publication.
Gifting a loved one with this magazine may open the door not only to memorable and fascinating works of literature, but also to her own opportunity for publication.
My father, a fellow English teacher, was the person who first introduced me to OneStory, an aptly named and phenomenal little literary magazine. Each issue features only–you guessed it–one story. I love this magazine, because I am an exceptionally busy person whose time is always at a premium. I rarely have time to finish a novel during the course of the school year (though I devour them in the summer months). I do, however, have time for one story now and again. OneStory arrives once a month, so I know I always have about four weeks to finish the story, which can usually be read in one sitting (the challenge becomes finding time for the sitting!). A one-year subscription costs $21.
The best thing about OneStory is that even someone as busy as I am can usually find time to read just one story a month.
If your loved one likes a little board game fun, I highly recommend you consider one of these family-friendly, literary, board-based competitions as a gift.
For Writers, in General
When I was about half-way through the first draft of my novel (I am now working on the seventh draft of my novel), my sister and brother-in-law gifted me with an engraved pen and pen case from Things Remembered. Not only is it elegant, beautiful, and practical, but it was also one of the most meaningful and thoughtful gifts I have ever received; it showed me that they believed in me and in my dream, and that vote of confidence in the form of this pen still motivates me today. Every time I see the case and open it to retrieve the pen, my faith in my dream is renewed, and my motivation to write is revived. I am reminded that someone thinks I can do it. The pen is a manifestation of their faith.
The engraved pen and case showed me that they believed in me and in my dream, and that vote of confidence in the form of this pen still motivates me today. Every time I see the case and open it to retrieve the pen, my faith in my dream is renewed, and my motivation to write is revived. I am reminded that someone thinks I can do it. The pen is a manifestation of their faith.
Engraved pens and cases run between $5 and $300 at Things Remembered. I recently spent just shy of $50 on a pen with both the pen and its case engraved, and the recipient, an aspiring children’s book author, loved it.
Membership to a Local Writing Organization
Joining James River Writers was one of the best moves I ever made regarding my writing. In fact, it’s safe to say my novel would never have been finished had I not joined this group and begun participating in their many Writing Shows, events, and conferences. Membership to a local writing group yields many benefits, including reduced fees for workshops, events, and conferences; networking; exposure to agents and other literary professionals; motivation; regular newsletters; education–just to name a few. Paying for a loved one’s membership would no doubt be a welcomed gift.
One of the newest digital magazines for writers, writeHackr Magagzine, features author interviews and information on writing, craft, branding, ideas, the writing industry, the publishing industry, etc. To get a feel for the magazine, check out their blog. You can also find them on Instagram. I subscribe myself, and have even written a few pieces for the publication. I highly recommend it for all writers!
Membership to a Poetry Society or Organization
If you are local, buying a beloved poet membership to the Poetry Society of Virginia would be a practical, thoughtful, and meaningful gift. Benefits include a regular newsletter; reduced rates for attendance at the annual festival and other events; and participation in workshops, readings, and open mic events–to name just three. Other outcomes are motivation, inspiration, networking, and support.
I recently heard an interview with the famed memoirist Mary Karr on NPR. In 2015, she came out with a new book called The Art of Memoir, on which the interview focused. Listening to the interview, I wanted not only to read the book (I myself have listed it on my own Christmas Wish List), but also to be her friend. She was so genuine, honest, and raw–things I am often afraid to be when writing nonfiction. I feel I could really learn something from her–and her book. She was painfully honest in the interview, as I expect most memoirists must learn to be, at some point or another–particularly about herself. She did not shy away from saying about people things that might upset them. She was unabashed. To listen to the captivating interview, click here.
For Writers Aspiring to be Published
Subscription to Writer’s Digest
Writer’s Digest purports to be the #1 magazine for writers, and features publishing tips, craft tips, information on techniques, etc. There are three subscription options: A one-year digital subscription costs $9.96; a one-year print subscription costs $19.96; both digital and print combined cost $21.96 for one year.
The 2017 Writer’s Market
There are lots of options concerning The Writer’s Market books, so you can really tailor your purchase to the writer you’re buying for. Options include, but are not limited to: Novels and Short Stories Writer’s Market, Writer’s Market Deluxe Edition, Writer’s Market 2017: The Most Trusted Guide to Getting Published, and Guide to Literary Agents. On Amazon, they range in price from $9.90 to a digital edition of Writer’s Market 2017: The Most Trusted Guide to Getting Published, to $34.79 for the print version of Writer’s Market Deluxe Edition. Writer’s Market books also exist for poets and children’s books authors and illustrators.
For Dog Lovers
Richmond Animal League 2017 Calendar
What animal lover wouldn’t like to greet each new month with the photograph of an adorable rescue dog or cat–and the knowledge that the purchase of that calendar helped to find forever homes for even more loving animals? Each year, Richmond Animal League (RAL), a no-kill shelter in Virginia, hosts a calendar contest as a fundraiser. Contestants compete to see who can raise the most money for the shelter. The top twelve fundraisers’ pets are then featured within the calendar’s pages. To raise even more money in support of homeless animals, RAL then sells the calendars for about $15 each. They make a great gift!
Richmond Animal League Luminary
To honor the memory of a pet, or to celebrate the life of one still with you, as well as to help raise money for homeless pets, you can purchase in your loved one’s name (and/or their pet’s name) a luminary for the Richmond Animal League Operation Silent Night event. Luminaries start at only $20 and can be purchased here. Gifting an animal lover with a luminary not only honors him or her, as well as his or her beloved animals, but also helps provide hope for a homeless pet.
I have made some very meaningful memories and spent some high-quality bonding time with my dogs through training classes. My sweet beagle who, it turns out, hates “doggy school,” has still completed a basic training class, and my whippet-jack russell mix, who is quite the little scholar, has completed basic training and earned his Canine Good Citizen certificate at our local Petco. He and I have also participated in agility classes at levels A, B, and B/C at the Richmond SPCA. These classes not only enrich a dog’s life, but also strengthen and enhance the human-dog bond. When you gift someone with a training class, you are improving communication and understanding between the person and his dog; enriching the overall relationship; providing stimulation and, in some cases, as with agility, physical fitness for both dog and human, among other positive outcomes.
Doggy Swimming Lessons
One wish-list item that appears on my personal Christmas list this year is swimming
lessons with my whippet-jack russell, who, over the summer, discovered an absolute passion for swimming. He swam in the bay. He swam in the creek. He swam in the river. He swam in the sound. But it’s too cold to swim in the winter. Unless, that is, you enroll in lessons at Alpha Dog Club, or a similar organization near you, that has an indoor swimming facility for dogs. Swim sessions at Alpha Dog Club range from $25-$60 after a mandatory $60 introduction/evaluation session.
You can’t go wrong with light-up, reflective, or glow-in-dark doggy gear for safety. Many companies make collars, leashes, harnesses, vests, and collar charms that emit or reflect light so your canine companion is visible on those night-time or early morning jaunts.
Someone with a particularly energetic and agile dog, as well as a large enough yard, might find agility equipment, such as tunnels, ramps, teeters, and jumps, an excellent gift. Training on the equipment together is not only stimulating for the dog, but also good exercise for humans and dogs alike, and a great way for humans and dogs to bond.
Canine Life Vest
For those dog lovers and dogs who love to boat, fish, or swim, a doggy life jacket could be just the thing. It makes a dog’s aquatic adventures that much safer, and also assists him when he swims. You might also check out Ruff Wear‘s waterproof and wear-and-tear proof products. Click on the photographs below to enlarge them and read the captions.
Sadie’s swim is made easier with a canine flotation device.
Jack stands proudly on the bow of the speed boat, sporting his neon green life vest.
Safe in his canine life vest, Beans plays fetch in the waves.
Beans is king of the canoe in his canine life vest.
Donation in a Loved One’s Name
If you have a loved one who has no need of or want for anything, and whose pet is also already aptly provisioned, you might consider making a donation to an animal rescue organization in his or her name. Last year for Christmas, I donated to a bird rescue foundation as a gift for my dear friend who has always loved and kept birds. I was able to give him an information card on the bird species his gift was helping to support, as well as a few other mementoes to commemorate his gift.
Canine First Aid Certification Course
Just as with donating to an animal rescue organization, paying for a loved one’s enrollment in a Canine First Aid and CPR course could be a useful, practical, and life-saving gift. The hands-on, three- to four-hour course offered at Alpha Dog Club in Richmond, Virginia costs $75, a fee which then helps fund scholarships for shelter dogs who could benefit from the aquatic services offered at the facility. The certification lasts for the participant’s lifetime, and participants receive a canine first aid book to keep on-hand, as well as a few first aid supplies.
If any of these ideas helped you, please help me by sharing this post on Pinterest, or to your own social media accounts! In this season of thanksgiving and always, I will be very grateful. 😉 Happy Thanksgiving and gift-giving!